


My Demons Can't be Tamed by Your Bittersweet Taste

by TooYoungToFeelThisTired



Series: What if? [34]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: AA meetings, Addiction, Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Timelines, Angst, Blackouts, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Is Doing Their Best, Everyone is trying to help, F/M, Five is in his 16 year old body, Five is mentally old, Five's POV, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Mentally Older Man/ Younger Woman, No incest if you understand Fiveya, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy-centric, Older Woman/Younger Man, Pain, Post-Season/Series 01, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Siblings, Recovery, Self-Hatred, Some Fluff, Struggle, five needs help, fiveya - Freeform, siblings being siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:07:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24893632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooYoungToFeelThisTired/pseuds/TooYoungToFeelThisTired
Summary: Five doesn't believe he has a problem, not really at least. It doesn't matter how many interventions and talks his siblings try to force onto him, he just doesn't have a problem. He's fine. (Not).Five's battle with alcoholism and his demons after they stop the apocalypse.
Relationships: Dolores & Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Number Five | The Boy & Allison Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Ben Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Diego Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Grace Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Luther Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: What if? [34]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1313192
Comments: 21
Kudos: 141





	My Demons Can't be Tamed by Your Bittersweet Taste

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own anything

_'Your pride will be your downfall, Number Five. You believe you cannot make a mistake. Far greater men than you learned the consequences of their failures in various painful ways. You will be even more crushed when it happens to you because you least expect it.'_

Five woke up to the echo of his father's voice that day. He wasn't sure what his dream was about but he remembered when his father said it. He made a calculative jump during practice and Diego ended up stuck under a few fake blocks of rocks. He argued with dad that he was right, and it wasn't his fault Number Two wasn't fast enough to get away. His father always said he had a problem admitting his mistakes. Well, in Five's opinion he was the one to talk. The man locked away Vanya and forced Allison to convince her she was ordinary only for her to end up causing the apocalypse almost twice so he shouldn't be all-mighty in giving them lectures.

Anyway, after those words and thoughts ran through him when Five realized, he broke a vase.

Yup, a vase. He knew it was blue with flowers. He saw it the first time he ever broke into Vanya's apartment. It was blue and had flowers on it, and Five thought it was honestly the tackiest thing Vanya had in her apartment. There was just something ugly about it, and he told her as much a couple a months ago.

Vanya rolled her eyes at him and ignored the accusation focusing on trying to cook them something eatable. They ended up ordering pizza that evening. Vanya should only stick to her music in Five's opinion.

She didn't argue with him on that.

Anyway, he broke the vase which was pretty much the only thing he remembered before he woke up with his head throbbing like he got hit over by a truck, his father's words reminding him of the good old days of his fucked up childhood, and his throat dry on Vanya's couch wearing only his boxers.

Number Five needed a drink. It was early maybe four A.M. He slowly stalked to her kitchen which was right next to her bedroom where she rarely closed the door to anymore.

He found her lying on her bed under the covers asleep. He didn't remember much from last night just that he went out because Luther pissed him off with asking too many questions. He broke into a liquor store, stole some vodka, and went to drink it on the fire escape behind the mansion. Well, alright, he remembered quite a lot. He could tell by the gag reflex, there was vomiting involved, and a panicked look in Vanya's eyes as he stumbled to the ground.

Inside her kitchen, Five found Vanya's bottle of cheap wine she got from her boss at a Christmas party. It wasn't anything fancy, but it would do. God knew he used to drink shittier things back in the day.

He opened it actually trying not to make noise before he took a couple of sips from the bottle. It satisfied his dry throat for now. He put it back into Vanya's cupboard and went back to the couch.

He remembered he finished his vodka bottle last night and wanted to go for a walk because he was sure he would get another lecture from Luther if he went back to his room. He couldn't remember if he jumped to Vanya's apartment or took a cab or walked, but he remembered he got in through the window stumbled over something maybe even his own feet, and ended up grabbing the vase which turned out to be his victim for the night.

He looked over at the small table by the window where it usually was but now it was gone.

_Of course, it was, when you broke it._

Five went to look for his clothes. His pants were neatly put on the arm of the chair, so was his shirt and undershirt, but the jacket was gone. He tried to remember where they were but it was very hard to remember anything after the sound of the vase, and Vanya coming from her bedroom. At least the wine helped with the headache.

He teleported into her bathroom feeling his stomach a bit jumpy, but he braced himself against the door and looked around. His jacket was wet hanging on top of the tub. He must have gotten it dirty, and she must have washed it.

He peeked into her bedroom again. Half of her face was buried in the pillow, but he could tell she was sleeping soundly.

He teleported outside and went to the nearest store. He brought her some bagels and waited until she was up to have breakfast with her. If she had anything to say about his yesterday night visit, she kept it to herself and thanked him for the breakfast before she offered him some of her old coats since his jacket was still wet. Five declined and left afterward.

'It was my favorite one, you know,' she told him as he was leaving referring to the vase. She didn't sound too angry though just…disappointed.

'It was the ugliest one too,' he called back rather than face her when she looked at him with her brown eyes like that.

Then again maybe that was why she liked the vase the most. He remembered Vanya always tended to adore awful things no one wanted.

Walking home, he didn't think that changed all that much.

* * *

The world was fucked up, his family was fucked up, his life was fucked up, but what you are you gonna do? Personally, Five liked to lock his door put on some classical music drink a bit of his chardonnay or make himself a margarita, work on some equations, or read the newest theories of the 21st century. He had a lot of time on his hands to catch up. It helped with the crazy. He had no doubt his siblings had their little rituals to find some sanity in the house and their lives too. Maybe less of the liquid nature though.

They stopped the apocalypse almost three years ago. He made another shady deal with the Handler one he never spoke with anyone about or tried to think too much about and continued to try and live the life he never got the chance to live when he time-traveled the first time.

'You could go to high school,' suggested Allison with her voice still a bit horse and pained even after two years since she was able to talk again.

'And suffer through living with teenagers who can't stay away from their phones for ten seconds, I rather shot myself in the eye,' he argued with her dismissing the idea. If he even would consider going to school, he would go to college and that was a big _if_. Right now he wasn't interested in spending time with anyone younger than thirty. And still, there were some exceptions as he was almost positive his siblings couldn't be more than ten sometimes. For example when Luther and Diego were arguing in the kitchen while Grace hummed a tune older than him and made breakfast for them, when Klaus took a bike down the stairs, or when he saw Allison force Vanya to play dress-up with her while trying on the new clothes she made her buy to improve her wardrobe. He tried not to acknowledge the fact that he stayed in the doorway a second longer to admire the new blouse telling her it looked good which earned him a thumbs up from Allison and a thank you from Vanya. It was chilly how often he could change their faces into the ones they wore as children and it would feel like he was thirteen again even if just a second.

But right after that Five would again remember he was in his sixteen-year-old body but already over sixty and given the way his siblings acted the only real adult around.

* * *

Most of the time Five either commented or rolled his eyes at his siblings and went to his room picking up the bottle of bourbon he had in his closet. His hands were already shaking in the hallway. He needed them to be steady now. Not to mention it wasn't his place or temper to try and bully his siblings into being actual adults. Who cared anyway?

'Hey, do you want to catch a movie with us?' asked Diego as he walked in without knocking, forcing Five into hiding the bottle under his bed cover, 'Sure.'

At least when he had a drink it wasn't so hard to be with his siblings. They didn't seem so loud, and he didn't feel so old or out of place. He jumped to the future when he was thirteen and only return to somewhat society in his late fifties there was a very large gap between them, but to be completely honest he didn't mind spending time with his siblings. They were the only ones who oddly made him feel weird in his skin less than any average folk would. If he was being honest with himself he would admit he even like spending time with them, and that he missed them a lot. If he was even more honest, he would admit that the only reason he wanted to stop the apocalypse was to save them and fuck everyone else, but that would be a bit too much honesty for Five's liking. Liquid courage or not.

He sat down between Vanya and Allison. They watched something called _Cloverfield_. Five found it boring and completely inaccurate before so he just went to the bar in the lounge and made them all margaritas with little umbrellas of a different color.

'You sure it's alright for your body to drink so much?' asked Luther quietly as he handed him his glass.

'It's just one glass, relax,' he said, 'Can't be worse than the trauma this body went through already.'

His brother didn't look convinced, but he also didn't say anything else which was good because Five would have straight out jumped away from them if they did. It wasn't like he lied. He got shot, beaten, and stabbed already not to mention all those things done to him during the missions for the Academy. This body went through enough what was a few extra glasses of booze?

They watched the second and third movies after that. All were terrible in Five's opinion, so he got all his siblings a bit drunk by the half of the third one with his drinks ignoring the screen and rather engaging in a conversation.

'You planned this, admit it,' giggly whispered Vanya into his ear referring to the fact that they were all tipsy and hilarious. She was always a lightweight.

'I never saw those movies in my life,' he whispered back his hand resting behind her on the arm of the couch, 'how could I have known they were shit?'

She shook her head, 'Totally planned it.'

He grinned at her, his face close enough to press his nose against her cheek before he turned back to the screen. Sometimes he wished he could only spend time with his siblings and they would only spend time with him. Other times he wondered what it would be like if it was just him and Vanya for a while. But he was sure that was just the margarita mixed with bourbon talking. He knew if he spent too long with them he would get on their nerves and they would on his. Vanya included.

Still, as she leaned against his shoulder to have a better look at Klaus who was telling her about something, it was nice and warm enough to wonder about it in the safety and privacy of his mind turning into soft cotton where he could rest by the alcohol haze.

* * *

'Oh honey, you sweated through the sheets,' said Grace as he came back to his room after he was done in the bathroom.

She looked worried but happy like always. She was probably the only person in his life who was the same. She didn't change with time. She couldn't. It should be weird, but it felt smoothing on some days like Five could _almost_ believe he didn't leave and he was still sixteen, 'Did you have a bad dream?'

He wasn't sure what to say so he just shook his head hoping she would take the cue and leave. He didn't have a nightmare. He didn't dream he was back in the post-apocalypse world with no one around where just breathing the ashes in the air made his throat burn and Vanya sat on a throne made of the bodies of their dead siblings. At least that night he didn't.

He just couldn't fall asleep thinking if he could go downstairs and take the bottle behind the bookcase in dad's study. He wasn't sure why he even tried to deny himself doing so. It only made Grace and the others more worried if he sweated too much or shook without meaning to.

She stopped on her way out and ruffled his hair smiling at him softly like she always did, 'I will make you breakfast, my handsome boy.'

He pressed his lips tight into a line and watched her leave. He wished she wouldn't call him _that_ as it made the hair at the back of his neck stand up. He honestly wished all of them would stop calling him that.

_Boy, child, son, young man…_

Five didn't say anything. He just jumped to the flask he hid behind his _Advance Physics for 5th graders_ Ben dug out for him from the library as a joke and pulled it out of the spot he carved out with a stolen knife from Diego. He took it as payback for last time.

He took a sip and tried not to think about anything.

* * *

Five had another fight with Luther. It was stupid, he knew. Grace was in his room, and for some reason, she cleaned it up finding all the booze he had stashed and threw it away still half-opened. He didn't understand it. There was always alcohol around the house. The cabins, dad's study, Klaus's room so why his room? He _tried_ to talk with her, he thought he did, but then he just lost it.

'Number Five, dear, you can't drink that. Your body is still growing, I'm worried what it might do to your health,' she said as sweetly as ever, but he found it beyond annoying and slammed the door at her causing a nearby portrait to fall to the ground. Luther was the only one home because he was always home so he came to investigate. Between Luther who was once again trying to act like he was the Number One lecturing him like a child and Grace always smiling and never seeming too bothered by anything he just picked up a fight. Plain and simple.

He thought it would make him feel better to call out Luther on all his crap about staying in the house because he was too afraid to go out after his night in the club and still waiting for some miracle which would get Allison to be with him even if really he didn't even want it because he was that much of a self-riches asshole.

_It didn't._

So he stole the first bottle of vodka he could find and drank half of it by the time he made it to the mall.

He realized he should have brought flowers a bouquet would have been nice. He still had time, but he was already inside the store so he might as well just charm his way. He didn't visit Delores that often after he returned her back to her family. He couldn't help but feel her judgmental eyes even if she was nice and polite as always. She constantly said he drank too much. It wasn't true. He drank the right amount he needed. He liked the taste and the numbness of pain it brought with it. Everyone should have a hobby. He liked to taste new and old drinks and not have to think or hurt from everything that happened or was happening around him.

He stopped in track paralyzed as he found her place replaced with another mannequin not even nearly as pretty as her.

Five went into overdrive catching the first clerk he could find demanding to know what happened before they told him they threw out a couple of old mannequins yesterday since they got new ones.

He didn't have time to strangle the woman although it crossed his mind, instead he rushed out only to find Vanya carefully climbing down from a large trash container with a naked Delores gently in her arms. Five noticed she didn't grab her by the neck the way people tended but held her close to her chest almost in a hug.

When she turned around, she explained that Luther called and said they had a fight, and she figured this was the only place she could think of he would go if he wasn't in her apartment.

Five's head was spinning. He wasn't sure if it was the half of the bottle of vodka or the fact that from the only visit he ever took Vanya to see Delores she knew where he would be and found the mannequin in the container full of them. Sure, to him Delores was unique and one of a kind, but Vanya only saw her once, yet she remembered because she was _Vanya_.

He covered his eyes in absolute frustration abruptly sitting down. He didn't know how much time had passed but he felt like a piece of shit by the time he finally opened his eyes. He found Vanya sitting down next to him Delores in her lap as she carefully tried to wipe away the dirt from her face with her handy. He watched the way she gently touched her face and held her with care Five would have as well. She made sure she was supporting her back instead of grabbing for her neck, and Five could tell she appreciated it even if she was absolutely quiet at that moment. No doubt still shook from almost being thrown away into the garbage.

'I'm sorry,' he found himself saying before he could fully think about those words. How long has it been since he said them without any other motive to manipulate someone or as a figure of speech?

'I'm sorry,' he mumbled again to Delores for not checking up on her sooner, to Klaus because he was right which was why he was so aggressive toward him, to Diego because he was just trying to help him even if he had no clue how, to Allison because he was crueler to her because he knew she spoke the truth, to Luther because even if he cared and tried Five just kept on pushing him away, even to Ben. He had no doubt his ghost brother deserved an apology just like all the others. And last but never the least to Vanya because she had been nothing but the good caring sister that she always trying and trying and trying, and all he did was hurt her, broke into her apartment, broke her vase, no doubt puke in it, said the cruelest things, and still she was sitting with him on the sidewalk holding the only other person he was close to in her lap and brushing away dirt out of her face because she mattered to him.

He looked over at Vanya feeling his throat hurt not only from lacking something to drink but also from the large bump inside which was causing his eyes to water.

'I-I'm sorry,' he said trying to swallow his thirst and the bump before he would start crying on the street like a little _kid_.

He watched as Vanya blinked surprised before she pulled Delores closer to her chest without suffocating her as she only held her with one hand, and reached for him with her free one.

Five took it like a drowning man would a rope and moved closer to her as she pushed his chest against her side trying to hug him while still keeping Delores in her arms.

He pressed his face against her shoulder and tried to catch his breath and stop the tears, but he had no doubt he already looked like a pathetic boy crying on his mother's shoulder in the middle of the street with a mannequin.

'I know, it's okay,' she said, and he continued to shake his head. It wasn't, but he knew she had to say it. It was just something people said to each other.

He and Vanya walked home, he apologized to _Mom_ and Luther while she went to find some blouse which would look nice on Delores and set her in his room.

He talked with her for hours. She liked Vanya even more now than before which was quite a lot since Five talked about her often in the post-apocalypse world before

' _She cares for people. She cares for you a lot. You shouldn't abuse it or take it lightly,'_ she told him still referring to Vanya her new favorite person.

'I know,' he said as he felt the familiar thirst in his throat and tremble in his hands and jumped to get re-fill and new supplies.

* * *

Five liked to believe that problems were only problems if you made them. If you didn't they were choices or possibilities or reasons. Growing up in the Umbrella Academy he was taught anything could be solved if he tried hard enough. Living in the apocalypse he was taught anything could be solved if he tried long enough. Working for the Commission taught him anything could be solved with a gun. Coming back home and growing up again taught him that anything could be solved if he made himself a drink and rested his eyes for a bit.

'Five,' said Vanya all of a sudden as they stopped in front of the mansion. She was silent for a while and he could tell from the way she opening and closing her mouth she had something important to tell him. It had been a week after the mall incident, and he thought things we going pretty well.

'Five, you...,' she blinked and frowned a bit looking at his face probably put off by how directly he was looking at her. At times it was still hard for her to make solid eye contact although he rarely saw her to have that problem with him, 'you have a _problem_.'

He looked confused, 'What problem?' He didn't understand. Delores was safe. He found her a nice place in the antique shop. She looked happy even if she was still worried about him, so what kind of a problem could Vanya possibly be talking about?

She watched him for a moment before she let out a small annoyed sigh, 'You're really going to make me say it?'

Five frowned. What problem? There were no problems only choices and possibilities and-

'Five, you're an alcoholic,' she said and even if it was impossible it felt like she might as well have shouted those words because the street went incredibly quiet.

Five watched her with a frown on his face confused where did _that_ come from before he smirked at her, 'Vanya, you're tired. We had a rushed day and-'

She took a step closer, 'Five, I'm not kidding. Today-yesterday this isn't alright.'

He shook his head. She wasn't the first or last one to try and talk to him. The list went on from Luther to Ben if Klaus was feeling strong enough to make him visible. But it was the first time she said it out loud.

'It's nothing,' he told her as she tried to argue some _sense_ into him in her eyes, 'It's not a problem.' 'You worry too much.' 'I appreciate the effort, but I'm fine.'

All of those things worked on the others so why shouldn't they on her?

'You-no, Five, I'm serious. It's a problem. You could end up hurt, you know that? And,' she raised her voice, and he could hear the tremble inside it loud and clear now, 'I just...want you to be safe and...,' she shook her head and shrugged her shoulders nervously like she didn't know what to say, 'alright.'

Because she _cared_ about him...and most importantly because he cared about her. Wasn't that the whole Achilles heel of it all?

Five jumped away from her closing his eyes to avoid the look on her face.

Sometimes Five would like things to be simple. Simple would be great. He could almost picture it. Everything going smoothly and without a single hitch in the way. Everything would be great, fantastic even.

He wasn't really upset with her or maybe he was, but he didn't want to be. It was like he knew Vanya was innocent in all of this. She was abused her whole life by their dad, mind-controlled, neglected, manipulated, and betrayed by all of them. He didn't blame her for that. All which happened was a domino caused by the Commission. No one could have stopped it and not one singular person was to blame. And yet some tiny part of Five, he would like to think it was a tiny part, did blame her, or hold it against her, or thought about it whenever she pushed him too close to things he didn't want to think about or talk about. It was cruel and selfish because he knew it was just a defense mechanism created inside him to avoid his own pains and problems. If he hurt her, she would leave, she would let him be, she would stop interrogating him with the questions and things he couldn't deal with.

'Yes, well, sometimes it does not help at all that you're here,' he said, and he knew the moment he said it that it knocked the air out of her lungs with how she parted her lips and looked at him all shocked before she put on that strange guilty yet passive face she had sometimes.

'Because I caused it,' she said sounding just as remorseful as she looked the perfect picture of guilt and sorrow and everything in between, 'The first apocalypse. Because _I_ caused it.'

He bit the inside of his cheek. He needed to get her out of his room. There was a bottle of scotch right behind his closet, but he couldn't get to it with Vanya in the room. He didn't want her to see it and try to talk with him about it. He didn't want or need to talk about it. He just needed to take a sip.

'Yes,' he said, and he almost laughed because there it was. The final blow. The final act that showed he was not the Five who ran away from her without a goodbye. Because that Five would never be so cruel to her intentionally. That Five would take it all back and say he lied and it wasn't her fault and whatever she needed to hear to look relieved and smile at him like she used to. But that Five wasn't him. That Five died approximately three months after he got stuck in the apocalypse. This new or old version of him, this him was a dick, and even if he felt the inside of his chest burn as he watched her eyes shine with tears before she rushed out of the door, he didn't try to stop her. Instead, he went to count to ten but ended up only at barely at six before he rushed to the closet and pulled out the bottle and took that sip he had been dying to take since Vanya got there.

He went to look out of the window, but Vanya was nowhere near sight. It was probably for the best anyway not to have to watch her away not that he got that sip and calmed his internal hunger for his addiction, and could go on a moment longer and probably apologize to her and say he didn't mean it and that he wouldn't do it again knowing all too well it was a big fat lie.

* * *

_It has power over you._

Well, that was the most ridiculous thing he ever heard. The alcohol didn't have power over him, he was the one who wanted to drink, so he drank whenever _he_ wanted. He wasn't like Klaus or some other junkie who couldn't control himself. He just liked to drink and for once not have to feel so frustrated and annoyed with everything. Why was that a bad thing? And since when were his siblings the best examples of modern society representations of morals and good behavior. He told them as much when he found himself confronted by Diego and Luther while the others were suspiciously sitting in the living room.

All they needed was one of those large _intervention_ flags to finish the picture of an _After School Special._

The hell did they care or know about him and what was good or bad for him? They could barely decide for themselves. Hypocrites all of them. When he thought about it later he wasn't even all that upset about them, but lately, he got irritated too easily. It felt like his siblings were pulling at the rubber band around his wrist. It always seemed to rush back to its original place when they did that.

'I swear to God the next person who suggests I need help will be personally named in my suicide note!' he snapped once the rubber band contacted with his skin in a clear shot of pain at them ending their speeches and then jumped out of the room feeling more frustrated.

 _Well, what did you expect, Number Five? I told you, you don't belong with them?_ Came the mocking voice of that bitch with white hair whenever he exploded like that.

* * *

Quitting wasn't something he thought about often because that would mean he admitted to having a problem which he didn't- he knew he didn't he just didn't _like_ or _enjoy_ the way Vanya's eyes watered and looked all sad and broken when he woke up in her arms on the floor.

'You didn't wake me up,' she mumbled her voice soft whispery like if she spoke even louder it would be too real, 'I found you on the floor. I thought you were dead. You could have choked on your own vomit, Five.'

With his head on her thighs and her fingers in his hair stroking him with the care it was hard to find an excuse or leave – run away from her sad, disappointed eyes.

' _Please Five_ ,' her voice broke a bit and he watched the tears glittering in her eyes like little stars, 'I can't lose you again…not to this,' she pleaded. She begged. It was impossibly hard not to get moved by it.

'Okay,' he finally said not having the strength to wipe her tears away. It hurt him as well. It hurt to know how perfectly _belonged_ there on her thighs in her arms just looking at her and feeling her hands. It was soul-crushing to know he never felt more at _home_ than he did in her arms really.

_Fuck his life._

His head rolled to the side. He would just try it. He would just try it so he wouldn't freak her out anymore. He wouldn't stop because he didn't think he needed to, but he would _slow_ down. Just enough so she wouldn't worry, just enough so he wouldn't blackout on her floor and make a mess of himself and her apartment.

For a while, he would slow down. It wouldn't be a big deal. He wanted to be better. He felt ashamed at times and he hated their looks. Their looks that clearly said they knew he had been through a lot, but this wasn't the answer, this was him being weak, useless, and a _child_.

* * *

'Well, do you wish to stop drinking?' asked Klaus while tuning the guitar.

If Five was thinking logically about it, his ex-addict brother was the best person to go to. He tried for Vanya that much he owned her. That much he could give her, but it seemed pointless. The stories the people in the AA spoke weren't for him, not even close. How could _'I drank because my dad beat him as a kid'_ compete with I was also for almost four decades in the apocalypse?

He only sat through it because of Vanya sitting next to him already counting the hours he would need to walk her home and get to his room and stash he left in dad's office. Grace cleaned his room again.

Five shrugged his shoulders, 'I don't want to fuck things up anymore than I already did.' For Vanya, for his siblings.

Klaus grimaced, 'That's not the same. You have to want to stop drinking because of drinking not to have your life in order. It can't be the reason.'

He sighed and put the guitar away, 'Look. If you only try to stop drinking so your life won't be a mess, and something shitty happens you will just fall back to it. You have to not want to drink because you know drinking is bad for you. Because you're controlled by it.'

Five raised his eyebrow, 'Do you think drugs are bad for you? That they controlled you?'

'Of course, they control me. Still. That won't go away. Yesterday I saw Allison left her bag on the counter. You think I didn't want to take her purse and run to my old dealer already counting how many pills would I get with a twenty or fifty? If you stop drinking you won't just magically become not an alcoholic. You will still be one, and you will still be tempted and ready to slip up any chance you can get. My guess you will too.'

Five frowned at him and Klaus smirked looking directly into his eyes, 'Sounds harder than you wanted it, doesn't it? It would be great if you could just turn off a switch and never had felt the taste in the first place. But you can't.'

He then looked somewhere behind him, and Five didn't have to look to know Vanya was talking to Ben about something probably listening to how it goes with him and Klaus.

Five frowned at him without a comment feeling himself sweating trying to count how many hours it was since his last drink. He knew Klaus wasn't just talking about drinking anymore.

* * *

After that Five was convinced he could do it on his own. It wouldn't be hard. He just had to lay out of booze for a while. No big deal, when he was in the apocalypse he went months without it after he finished his last supplies. It would be inconvenient, but if he looked at it as his new project, _a mission_ , he could ace it like he would everything else.

Then his nightmares found him again, but this time during the day as all of the sudden he thought there was ash flying around his room and he couldn't breath. He fell to the floor choking, desperate for air before the moment passed and he convinced himself it wasn't real. He wasn't _there_. He was home and save and it was 2022 and there was no apocalypse to slowly kill him from the inside and outside. That caused him to steal some of Grace rum for cake. It was barely four days since he tried to quit.

The same day the lady on the street said he was a charming young man as he gave her the scarf which she lost on the ground. He would have gone better being a dick than trying to be nice.

He found the secret bottle of whiskey dad had hidden behind his library and drank it until he felt numb and good, and then until he blacked out. He didn't black out all that often. Usually, he could remember what he did even if not in the right order or everything as detailed as when he wasn't fully drunk, but when he had blackouts he remembered nothing just waking up afterward. This one was a different thought.

This one was the lowest of the low. As he got drunk on a Tuesday night. He wasn't sure how exactly he found his way to Vanya's apartment but once again he was there sitting on the ground under her window the one he frequently used instead of doors.

It must have been a late-night or early morning because Vanya walked to him wearing her pajama pants and t-shirt with her hair a tangled mess. He had to wake her up again.

_Wasn't he just the best of the brothers?_

He was sure she said something to him, but he was too far gone to comprehend what. He grabbed her before she could pull away not that she ever would and yanked her toward him. Her lips were soft and warm which was probably the only thing he remembered from the kiss before he realized she didn't push him away...but also didn't kiss him back. She was left motionless just letting him kiss her, letting him have it just like she did with everything. Even in his drunken state of mind, it occurred to him that if he would push her to the floor pulled down her pants she would probably let him rape her on the spot.

_Always too eager to please good sister, Vanya._

He pushed her away closing his eyes ready to tell her to leave him but the moment he opened his eyes he puked and the alcohol haze took him away once again.

When he woke he didn't remember much past the kiss, and it freaked him out probably more than anything ever in the world. So before Vanya would wake up or come to the living room he snatched his clothes and jumped out dressing in the hallway wondering with and smile like a maniac if Vanya would finally hate him enough to ban him from her life. A part of him hoped she would, but the other knew it wouldn't happen.

She was _Vanya_.

* * *

Like a dog with his tail between his legs, he came to Klaus as he was having his morning _meditation_.

'Sign me up for one of those... _things_ ,' he said and looked away trying desperately to ignore his brother as he started to chat about how much fun they would have with sobriety together. If Five couldn't still feel Vanya's unresponsive lips against his own he might as well tell him to forget it and leave, but how could he leave from something like that?

Klaus brought him to another AA meeting. Five was surprised to find his brother silently sitting through it actually listening to the people talking. Unlike with Vanya, no one assumed he was Klaus's kid, instead, someone asked.

'Trying to scare him straight?'

'Of course, I am passing on my wisdom to the younger generation.'

'The only thing you could be passing is idiotism and SPDs,' muttered Five earning a laugh from the other guy and a pinch in the cheek from Klaus who he respectfully kicked into the ankle.

'Well, what now?' he asked after the first one, 'We get some food, and come back tomorrow.'

Five stopped in track, 'Tomorrow?'

Klaus nodded, 'What do you think I had been doing when I was getting clean-'

'You made us tie you up for days,' argued Five, and Klaus nodded, 'I did that to actually get clean, but to stick to it? I went to meetings like this every day. Twice a day if I felt really shitty.'

'Where the hell we're we?' asked Five confused and annoyed that he missed it.

Klaus shrugged his shoulders, 'Well, you were most likely getting drunk or dealing with Vanya. The rest had their _side acts_ to follow.'

Great. Apparently with sobriety came guilt as now he felt like he couldn't even look at Klaus either.

* * *

It was _hard_.

Harder than he would imagine even though since his previous failed attempts Five figured it would be very hard. It proved to be worse as he often felt like there was a demon crushing his throat between his clawed palm screaming about the apocalypse, Commission, Vanya, his age, ruined childhood, and everything between demanding to be silenced by the bittersweet taste of some alcohol which was the only time he would loosen his hold on Five. He tried to tune it out with music as Klaus suggested or meditation or yoga or TV shows, his own interest like equations but nothing literally _nothing_ helped to talk his mind of it. Meetings helped a bit, but he couldn't be there all day, and talking to his siblings went only _so far_ before he got angry with them and need to leave.

They guarded him. No one said anything, but he could see it from the shared glances between Allison and Luther that they agreed to keep him in the house and away from any potential _risky situation_ as Klaus and the AA leader called them.

So Five started to plan. It was partly to take his mind out of the dryness in his throat and partly to actually go through with it. He was always clever with plans. He was good with variables and predicting different outcomes.

_The perfect pragmatist._

The Handler once called him and he shivered almost feeling her sharp nails on the back of his neck.

He needed to drink more than ever. It was close to seven full days again without a sip, and he was losing it.

It didn't help that he didn't see Vanya _once_ since the incident in her apartment, and he _knew_ she was still upset about it, maybe hated him, maybe even feared him. Nothing helped. The demon was just too damn loud today.

Five arranged a distraction and made it outside only to step back as Vanya stood there trying to maneuver a tray with six coffees and open the door.

'Oh, good, you can help me carry it. The doorbell is out again,' she said sounding more sure than she looked just as he heard Luther calling his name from the upstairs window.

He grabbed the tray from her and nodded stepping as far away as the space in front of the door allowed it so she could open them.

Neither of them commented that they both knew what Five was about to do, and he dutifully followed her inside.

The demon was still screaming, but it was more manageable than before his throat was a bit lose. The others then engaged him in some stupid reality TV making sure he wouldn't try to sneak out again.

_Damn them for caring._

And damn him for having a drinking problem.

* * *

He _earned_ a first-month chip although if he was honest, and apparently in the AA it was important, to be honest, his siblings earned it with him. They followed him around like a child which made his blood boil and nerves run all over the place, but even if he let a lot of his frustration out of them they managed to keep him from relapsing. Luther forced him to engage in reading and old pop culture missing, Diego took him on terrible breakfasts and to damage punching bags in the gym, Allison took him _shopping_ and to coffee shops to make a list of the best ones in the city, Klaus filled his mind with TV shows and movies that made him question the intelligence of the humanity more than ever, Ben talked with him often and about everything and throwing more books on him, and Vanya played him the violin.

That bothered him. He liked it when she played- _no-_ he _adored_ when she played, and it made him feel all those things he tried not when she did so solely for him. But they didn't _talk_. He knew it was because of the kiss. He knew it was because of what he did and what she would probably _never_ forgive him. They just didn't talk. Not the way they used to before the kiss. Now, whenever they talked it felt hollow like they were talking, but not really like, they were strangers or practicing lines in a script. They didn't talk about the kiss, and Five didn't know if bringing it up would get things back to normal or not, but _damn it –_ he really wanted things to be normal. This wasn't right.

This talking, yet not talking wasn't them, and it made him so angry he wanted to do something, anything. Grab her and shake her demanding that she _talk_ to him.

He watched her finish with a small bow chuckling at herself and other times he would find it amusing and cute smiling as well but not today. The chip danced between his fingers. Diego taught him how on the second week when he was bored out of his mind.

He frowned, 'Would you knock it off if I said I'm sorry.'

Her smile fell, and she turned around to make sure the doors were open. _Of course, because if they weren't he could kiss her again and push her against the floor and hurt her because that was the type of person he was now, right?_

'Sorry or not sorry it won't make a difference unless you really want things to change,' she said calmly but firmly.

Maybe because Five was so used to Vanya being a push-over he was so surprised when she wasn't all kind and apologetic and sisterly right now. Maybe sometimes she had enough to the charade as well.

Either way now he had her pinned against the wall his body pressed against hers his hand holding her wrist next to her head in a matter of second.

The chip was somewhere on his desk and her violin fell against the carpet of his room with a soft tug.

She looked startled. Her eyes were wide open. Did she think he would hit her? Hurt her?

At that moment, in that situation, he put them to he knew he wanted to do two things. He wanted to drink something anything even her shitty Christmas wine, anything to stop the burning in his throat which demands some release, something to drink. Anything which would shut the stupid demon crushing his throat up already. And he wanted to press his lips against Vanya's and taste the coffee they just shared from her mouth.

With her lips parted and her eyes wide open like that her legs spread for his to stand closer to her and her chest rising and falling a bit faster against his own, it was more tempting to do the second thing he wanted. Unfortunately, he knew he couldn't, and right now going to drink her wine or any alcohol wasn't an option so he let her go, pushed himself away, and jumped before her hands could reach him.

Outside the room, and house, he took a couple of breaths and laughed like a maniac again causing several people to stare at him. He wondered if she could hate him or fear him more than he could himself. Seemed unlikely really.

After he composed himself and went straight to a meeting sometimes listening to stories of others was just as numbing as the alcohol.

* * *

Five wondered why was he doing this. This wasn't like him. This wouldn't help.

His demon was a dick who wouldn't shut up about wanting alcohol.

'Hi my name is Five, and I'm an alcoholic,' he said into the tiny microphone as he took the spot over their last sharer.

'Hi Five,' replied the crowd of ten people sitting in an unsymmetrical way between twenty-five chairs. Klaus wasn't here tonight which was probably the reason, he decided to do it. He tried to focus on that more than on what he was doing.

He licked his lips. He never shared before. It was…just something he didn't do. How could he? How could anyone understand what he went through? What he was still going through? He couldn't talk about that or the Commission or Vanya. He couldn't talk about any of that.

He glanced briefly at their leader a tall woman, Sharron who nodded at him without a smile. She rarely smiled. He kind of liked that about her. It proved she wasn't faking it.

His mouth opened before he even realized it and the words fell out, 'I got lost once,' _in the future._

'It was my _own_ fault,' _that part was true._

'I thought I could make it on my own. My d-dad told me not to go anywhere. He said it wouldn't be safe, but I went anyway,' _also true_.

'I was cocky, and I thought he just didn't believe in me, and I could do anything. I got lost, and I was alone for a really long time,' _decades_.

'The only one I had was a plastic mannequin from the mall.' No one laughed.

'It was shitty there.' _It was hell._

'Sometimes I thought I would die there all alone, and no one would find me or figure out what happen,' _no one would know about the apocalypse so no one would try and stop it._

'I often wondered what happened to my siblings.' _They would die again, and I couldn't save them._

'Especially my…uh favorite sister,' _She grew up without me and then disappeared. She wasn't there with the other bodies._

'I used to hope that she was safe somewhere else. Somewhere nothing bad would happen to her,' _I used to wish Vanya managed to find safety in some bunker before I knew what really happened._

'And then some times I wished they were all there with me…lost. Just so we would be together.' _A fate worse than death. But I was selfish and desperate._

'I dream about those times often, and not just during the night. I still remember the taste in my mouth from…the ash and burned flesh,' _he said too much_.

'The alcohol helps. It numbs me down so that I can't think about it, can't dream about it. It distracts me. I would like to say that it is horrible to drink your problems away, but not remembering or thinking about that place and time even if just for a few moments is a blessing. That's why it's so hard to stop.'

'It provides a release unlike anything else. It's a quick release, and it helps even if just a for a while, but it also brings new memories and problems. New mistakes which are even harder to numb down with alcohol knowing it's what caused it.' _Shouting at Grace and Allison, arguing with Luthe, punching Diego, being a dick to Klaus and Ben…kissing Vanya. It's impossible to compare it with all that it helped him to numb down but for the same reason, all those things hurt me just as much as suffering in the apocalypse and working for the commission._

He looked down at his hands and frowned, 'But with _time_ even though I still dream about it, the memories are blurrier and less detailed and sharp. So I guess, even if it takes longer it does get better with time even without the alcohol. My siblings help to fill the moments of the day, the time so that the memories are less clear and present. It also helps not to be such a dick to the people I care for all the time,' he said and smirked receiving some chuckles from the others.

He nodded at Sharron who nodded back at him her smile was small. He still liked her more without it. It didn't magically make the demon shut up, and him not want to drink anymore, but it did make him feel a bit better at that moment and his throat a bit loser.

* * *

'Besides what kind of girl will want a skinny punk like you?' asked the old man laughing at his own joke. Sam was a veteran who Klaus suggested should be his sponsor. Personally, Five would much rather be stuck to Klaus (he couldn't believe a day had come he would think that), but his brother made it clear that wouldn't work, and he should try to make connections outside of their family. It sounded suspiciously like Allison talking, and he should have known that once he tried to change one thing about him and deal with his _problem_ his noisy and overprotective and caring siblings would just on the train and demand he fix everything about him. It was annoying as hell, yet here he was eating in a shitty dinner which made decent hamburgers listening to the wisdom of a man who was at least by ten years younger than him.

Five rolled his eyes and finished his bite. Apparently eating greasy food and drinking five cups of coffee every day was all he could do now. Not to mention he should try to avoid HALT at all costs as all of those factors were labeled as high-risk situations for him.

_Hunger. Anger. Loneliness. Tiredness._

Five could tell anyone right away, it was easier said than done.

'I don't want any _girl_.'

'A boy then?' the man asked without looking up that told Five he didn't care but cared that people knew he didn't care.

Five sighed and brushed the back of his head. He didn't _mind_ talking with Sam. Maybe there were even something nerves calming not to have to talk only to his siblings at times. But this particular line of conversation wasn't something he enjoyed at all. _This_ was useless. Sam wouldn't get it. No one could. There were just some things he couldn't _share_ with him or anyone like his time in the Commission, the apocalypse, the nightmares, the guilt and anger, and _this._

The guy chuckled suddenly, 'Or maybe that nice lady who came with you to the first meeting? She comes from time to time too. Always sits in the back out of view,' he said and Five felt his curious look even if he kept his own eyes on his food.

Yeah, he knew about that. Vanya sometimes showed up at the AA to sit and listen or watch him or whatever the hell she was doing since he never directly looked at her. But he just knew she was there based on the goosebumps that arose on the back of his neck. Sometimes he wondered if it was fear, the knowledge of knowing what she had done, the pain and hurt she caused him when she caused the apocalypse. Whenever that happened, his mind instantly jumped to joy – _but she came, she cares, she's a good sister_ – and then he replayed the kiss, and how he pushed her against the wall, and all those little glances, and smiles and moments in between and know there was a completely different reason for the goosebumps and his pounding heart.

Five literally stabbed his fries with a plastic fork breaking it in the process trying to think about something else then how she chuckled at something he said yesterday. It took him almost two months to get back to somewhat of _their normal_ where she didn't shyly look away or talk to him directly. Even if now she always seemed to make sure there was a third person in the room with them.

He didn't dare to raise his head when he muttered, 'Don't go _there_.'

'How old are you seventeen? Almost eighteen?' asked Sam clearly not as wise as Klaus claimed he was or how the man pretended to be.

Five didn't answer just continued to glare at his food not being able to look at the man. He didn't want to talk about Vanya. Honestly, he would much rather talk about _anything_ but her. But then again, he would always much rather talk about anything but her. How could he even begin to talk about her?

'She seems like she _cares_ about you a lot-'

'Please, stop,' he said finally and looked up at the man. Whatever Sam saw in his eyes face, he took it and finally let go of the topic for that time. That was the problem, wasn't it? She _cared_.

Nothing less and nothing _more_.

* * *

Two weeks later Five was close to failing and almost stealing a flask he found in one of the library books before. He should have to throw it out along with the rest of the alcohol they threw out after his first month of sobriety, but for some reason, he neatly tugged it back into the book and walked away. Due to the familiar _urge_ for numbness he knew only the taste of booze could bring him and not being able to talk with his siblings about it, he picked up the phone and called Sam.

'She's my adopted sister and everyone thinks I'm her son. It's fucked up.'

The man on the other line was quiet for a while probably because it was two in the morning and Five just dropped it all on him without a hello. But based on what he learned from Klaus's downfall addicts were not great with formal or mandatory pleasantries, so he knew Sam would forgive him.

'And how does that make you feel?' he asked finally after what seemed like _ages_ in Five's mind.

'Frustrated, angry. I think…if they thought we were siblings it wouldn't make me hate it so much, but the _kid_ thing makes me want to stab my ears with pencils just so I wouldn't be able to hear them say it ever again,' he confessed remembering the urges to just fuck it and _jump_ in front of them away completely.

'Or drink a bottle until you don't think about it at all.'

Five nodded to himself with little to no strength to deny it today, 'Yeah or that.'

He asked Vanya if she wanted to go for coffee today. It wasn't with an intention or anything. He knew better than to try anything, and he would rather jump in front of the bus than to _hint_ the incident in her apartment from a few months ago. He just… he _missed_ her. He missed talking to her on daily basis with just the two of them in their little bubble where they understood each other better than anyone the way they used to under the covers in her bed as they talked about their childish hopes and dreams.

' _You're gonna be a world-class violinist and I'm gonna be the first scientist who time travels. We'll be a power duo. People will learn in history books about us._ '

She would always giggle and shake her head, ' _I don't need that. As long as we're together I will be fine with whatever future we have. Although world-class violinist does have a nice ring to it._ '

Five just wanted _that_. Or something close to that. Just to talk to her the way they used to without all the guilt, heavy tensions, and double meanings. He didn't need her to feel more than _care_ as long as he could have at least that and her, _like a sister,_ like a friend, like anything but what they were now.

His heart sank when he saw her eyes widened and the sudden panic as she opened her mouth trying to come up with an excuse. Before she agreed but tried to catch anyone else's gaze in the room to ask them to join them.

'Things will never be normal again, will they?' he asked Sam thinking about it all.

'If not, you will have to adapt to the new normal.'

New normal sucked hard in Five's opinion.

But he ended up talking to Sam until 6. A.M and then sleeping on the couch in the library.

'You okay?' asked him Diego, when he woke up sometime during lunch.

'Do you ever wish to be thirteen again?' he asked him not sure what he expected him to answer.

His brother frowned at him probably expecting it to be some sort of dick move or trap, so Five tried to look as neutral as possible not to ruin it.

Diego hated Reginald the most, Five was sure of it so when he nodded and mumbled _some times_ , he knew it meant something. 'Not all of it was bad. Some things were simpler.'

Five couldn't agree more wondering about Diego's demons and if they also brought a bitter taste into his mouth. Allison once told him they all have something. Something messed up they can't let go out of fear of what would happen if they did. Five could see it now clearly in Diego's eyes looking into the distant world outside the window.

Luther didn't like to leave the house because he thought people stared. Diego rushed himself into vigilantism to prove a point that he was better than Reginald told him he was. Allison always tried to make things perfect with or without her powers. Klaus had some many things from addictions to fear of his own powers that Five would need a whole day to list them, Ben was dead even if around, and Vanya blamed herself for everything trying to be even smaller than she already was in order not to stick out like she didn't deserve anymore to recognize. They were all fucked up in their own 'little' way that would probably never change.

And they would have to learn to live with them. If negative thoughts weren't a part of the things to avoid during recovery Five would have scold at himself for being so uncharacteristically _optimistic._

* * *

Sometimes it wasn't hard to live with their just as damaged as him, siblings. And other times it was almost _fun_ or _good_ and _worth it_ all that happened reminding him why he was so desperate to get back to them.

Other times it was annoying, but even he had to admit without the alcohol he was better at voicing his annoyance or pushing it away. Not to mention everyone said he should _try_ to develop a _recovery circle_. He doubted his siblings were the best or healthiest choices, but it seemed to be working for Klaus so who was he to deny the results? And as he already mentioned, it wasn't so horrible as he would imagine it could be.

His siblings tried to help after all, and even if he wanted to and a couple of months would have, he _couldn't_ blame them. It wasn't terrible, no matter how much annoyed he tried to act.

'Stop pretending you don't enjoy this,' accused him Ben with a tiny smug smile as all the brothers met one evening to play poker of course ending with Diego and Luther arguing like ten-year-olds. However, it would have been even better if at one point the conversation didn't shift to Peabody and by that to Vanya, and for some reason, Klaus found it appropriate and important to comment on her boyfriend.

_'I know for a fact that her last sorry excuse of a boyfriend didn't make her come.'_

Five didn't dare to look at Klaus when he released those words from his filter lacking mouth because what the hell was he supposed to do with that information?

He was more than satisfied when Diego punched his arm complaining about the mental image.

_Idiot._

Klaus tried to defend himself with a cheeky grin, 'I'm just saying she could use to _get some_.'

'Dude, gross,' groaned Ben and closed his eyes while Luther tried to look anywhere but at any sibling clearly embarrassed.

That time Five made the mistake of shooting him a glare only to be met with an amused and proud look on his face. He swore to God if he found a Kama Sutra book in his room planted by him, he would strangle Klaus with his own shoelaces.

When he looked back at his cards for a brief moment, he caught Ben looking at him before he purposely looked away. Five knew that even if Ben _wasn't visibly_ around, he was in fact _around_ most of the time. It would have been a fair assumption that since Klaus had a hunch and Sam noticed, that even Ben picked up on a few things. He wondered if he was being that obvious about it and if it should bother him. The last thing he needed was for one of his siblings to try and _talk_ to him about it.

The thought made him grimace in disgust as he revealed his cards.

* * *

It would be easier to pretend if he could have a drink, but then again he was always good at pretending with or without it. He pretended his childhood wasn't a shit show set on fire. He pretended he wasn't scarred forever because of isolation and solitude in the post-apocalypse. He pretended he was with the Commission and wasn't planning to betray them. He pretended the age difference between his siblings and most of the people around him didn't bother him. He pretended his weakness for drinking didn't control him. So why wouldn't he pretend that he didn't know how his sister's mouth tasted like?

It should be easy.

She rushed toward his chest as he jumped into the hallway not excepting her to be there. He would be lying if he didn't admit at least to himself that he tried and failed to avoid her for as much as possible after he realized she didn't want them to be alone. He hoped it would make him look better in her brown eyes like he wasn't pushing her toward anything.

She giggled in a high-pitched sound all nervous and skittish while his hand held her by the waist making sure she was steady on her feet.

Her eyes rose to his and she blinked the crocked smile replaced with confusion, 'You grew _taller_.'

He allowed himself to grimace at how surprised she looked before he understood it was probably the first time she realized it as well. He didn't blame her really. He left when they were kids and came back in the body of a child. Even with everything he did, it was hard to see him as anything else, and he despised it.

Maybe any other day, he would have let her go. He had a _mission_ after all. He should go to a meeting, talk to Klaus, call Sam, or literally do anything other than grabbing the back of her neck and leaning down to press his lips against hers in a heated kiss.

He would like to pretend she immediately pushed him away even slapped him and told him she hated him, but with the way, her fingers found his shoulder and the back of his hair while she _moaned_ against the kiss trying to desperately hold onto him as much as he held onto her it seemed farfetched.

It wasn't like before when she didn't respond and all Five felt was disgust with himself and what he became. It was _hot_ and absorbing everything inside and around him like a chaotic tornado of _bliss_ that planned to tear everything from its original place.

_It shouldn't have felt so freaking good._

But then again how could it not?

When they broke the kiss, the universe allowed him for a moment to feel smug about the way, she tried to reach for him again almost completely falling on him. He knew the moment regret kicked in based on how her clouded eyes sobered and she pushed at him to let her go his hands falling loosely to his body not sure how to hang there as if all they knew now was just to hold her and without that they were useless.

She opened and closed her mouth in a desperate attempt to maybe set things right or explain what happened before she shook her head weakly.

'Five, we… _can't_.'

It would have been easier to pretend if he didn't know that sober she tasted infinity times better than any alcohol on the planet. Not even his demon could argue with that.

* * *

On the day Five got his one year chip, Ben pulled him aside, 'You should talk to her. She's confused, and she doesn't want to mess up your sobriety because of her. She…she already thinks she messed up too much for you. You know her.'

The whole speech surprised Five who was just in the middle of drinking his second coffee which meant it was a slow day for him. But Ben was right, Five did know Vanya, and maybe there might have been more to why they couldn't then just his own flaws and how they were raised by. Maybe he was even right about Ben knowing more than anyone else in the house.

'I can't… we…I can't mess it up either. I can't lose her again,' he said surprised himself he managed to admit it even if only to Ben.

His brother offered him a small smile. Sometimes Five wondered how could it be that none related siblings could be so alike as Ben's smile had the same calming effect Vanya's did on him.

'You two are ridiculous,' he frowned a bit making a disgusted grimace, 'Disgusting, adorable and ridiculous.'

Five rolled his eyes, but Ben quickly added, 'Just talk to her. Just… try and talk to her. She's ready to hear it, she just can't say it herself.'

Before he could ask what was the _it_ Ben was referring to and how the hell did he know, Diego and Klaus showed up and they quickly changed the discussion.

'Great now we only have to find some anger management for Diego,' said Klaus with his arm over the mentioned brother, 'How about some therapy for Luther so he will finally get out of the house.'

Five glanced over to Vanya and Allison as they joined them and shared a small smile with her.

* * *

When Five came to Vanya's apartment, he was a bit shocked by how much things changed and yet not at all. He used to spend time in it almost every week, almost every day, and then nothing for almost a year. Nothing that she knew of at least. Everything was the same and he still noticed differences in the way she moved her couch and set her dining table. He wondered when did all of that happen really just to think about something else but what he came to talk to her about.

His palms were sweaty and his stomach was doing nasty flips as he was waiting for her to come home. He should have continued to walk for a bit longer on his way here knowing she was still in work, but he was too impatient. He had half the mind to ambush her in her work, but what good would that do? He was too skittish and no doubt looking like a maniac. It would only make things worse.

He heard her key in the door and stood up before he thought about it again and sat down before he stood up again just as she opened the door and walked inside jumping a bit as she spotted him.

It reminded Five of the time she did so when he first came to her apartment when he came back after he finally got home. It felt like a hundred years ago.

'Hi,' she uttered surprised like a little animal which given how wide open her eyes were reminded him of a deer for a moment. Her surprise faded a bit as she stepped inside carefully setting her violin case down. At least she wasn't angry at him for coming unannounced. He really should have thought it more through. One good thing seemed to be that even his demon was confused and unsure about all of this and therefore quieter than usual.

He nodded at her, 'Hi.'

She walked inside looking a bit confused as she closed her door setting her violin case to the side.

'I came to talk,' he said and nodded to himself gathering some courage which suddenly he didn't have enough. He shouldn't be like this. Wasn't this all he was waiting for? He was trying to put his life back to together to get back to some sort of solid relationship with Vanya, whatever kind she would allow him.

Vanya nodded as well and walked to her living room before she sat down on the couch as he took the seat in her chair. Once again a Deja Vu arouse from that first night when he should have stayed and maybe avoided another almost apocalypse all together. He quickly chased the thought away now at peace that some things even if they still haunted him couldn't have been fixed or changed. He just had to believe that shitty things happened and that sometimes even if he couldn't see it at times they lead to happier moments.

'I'm sorry for everything I did…all the problems and worries I caused you,' he started. This wasn't new. The whole apology and admitting his blame was a part of the 12 steps he had to take where he sat with his siblings down in order to get a clean slate. But he figured since this was the first time he was alone with Vanya since their heated encounter in the hallway, he owed her one more solely for her.

He brushed the back of his neck wondering if she took pity knowing he wasn't good with admitting mistakes, _still_. Knowing Vanya, she did since she tried to tell him. It was alright, and that she understood.

He carried on trying to avoid words like _kiss, feelings, love_ , and just sum it all up in him caring for her too much to not have her around at least as a sister the way they were before.

She let him speak, but she ever now and then the corners of her lips tugged like she wanted to smile, but didn't for some reason until he was done giving her space to talk, 'Is that what you really want, Five?'

He should have expected such a question from her. He could lie, pretend that _yes_ , he thought about it all and came to the conclusion they were better off as siblings and this madness was just that momentary madness. But he had a hunch with the way he wasn't fooling any of his other siblings, he wouldn't Vanya either.

'Don't ask me to tell you what I _want_ ,' he looked away so he wouldn't be faced with her pity or worried look, 'You wouldn't like the answer.'

There was a momentary pregnant pause before he heard her say, ' _I still want you to tell me_.'

He looked over at her almost frowning. Why? Why did she want to torture him? She knew damn well how he felt, and still?

'Fine. I want you. I _love_ you,' he said plain and simple, 'And you know it. Is that what you wanted to hear?' his voice wasn't sharp even if his words sounded that way. A year ago it would have been an outburst that would end in him jumping away, but he was a different person than he was a year ago.

When he looked at her he was _confused_. The corners of her red lips were pulled upwards in a small secretive smile he couldn't quite place. He thought he knew all her expressions and smiles, but this one felt new and _different._ If their lives were different, he would have kissed that smile just to taste it.

_Maybe coming here and be alone with her was a bad idea._

No disgusting Christmas wine could save him now.

She licked her lips and the smile away and Five again looked to the side trying not to act like he had no control. If the past year and the small bronze chip proved anything, he could have a lot of control if he desperately wanted it and had enough coffee and greasy hamburgers to turn to.

'I know how you feel…I knew for a while, but I wasn't sure how I felt about it all,' she confessed slowly and a bit quietly, but her eyes never left his so he figured she gathered all the courage she could too.

'Then, I knew…when I saw it all, when you opened up more, I knew for sure how I felt, but I couldn't tell you or show you or encourage you.'

Here it was the gentle yet expected letting down. Stupid Ben. He gave him…he gave him _hope_ or whatever, even though Five sword himself this was just to get Vanya back as a sister and friend. But still.

_Damn you, Ben._

'I didn't want to cause you even more problems since you're not supposed to engage in any… _relationship_ as least for the first year,' she admitted and Five froze a bit at her words before he shook his head confused.

His eyes landed on her again, 'What?'

'At the AA they said you shouldn't jump into a relationship throughout the first year, so…,' she shrugged her shoulders, 'I waited.'

He wasn't sure if he should strangle or kiss her for being so amazing.

He couldn't help the smirk that literally ripped its way onto his face as what she said finally found its way into his brain in a way for him to understand, 'You _waited_.'

This…he wasn't sure how to take it. He wasn't sure if she meant what he thought she did. What did she say before? That she didn't know how she felt but now did? His otherwise clever mind was at a loss, not really capable of believing she was saying what he thought she was saying.

She nodded with a puzzled smile like she didn't understand why was he so confused and upset, 'You needed space and time.'

He took in a deep breath pressing his fingers against the nose bridge to calm himself down, 'Why didn't you tell me? We didn't have to do anything about it just…talk…' Discuss, talk, chat, anything so he wouldn't feel like the worse human being alive and terrible loser knowing he loved her when she never would or could.

'Then we would have to talk about it which would be against the rules,' she said and that was missing was the _duh_ sound at the end. Like, of course, she couldn't talk to him about it, or tell him, that _yes_ she felt something too, and she wanted something as well, but he had to wait. If he knew…if he knew she…then again what would he do if he knew? Wouldn't he try to push it, speed it all up, maybe fuck up the recovery?

_Screw it._

He jumped toward surprising her again. He was quick as he grabbed her and made her stand up from the couch before he pulled her closer and stole her breath away in a deep guiltless kiss.

He broke it only when it was clear she couldn't hold her breath any longer.

Her smile was soft, 'It's nice when you don't smell like alcohol.'

' _Nice_ is not good enough,' he mumbled before he kissed her again not stopping until she was making those soft moans against his lips.

Five _is_ an addict.

Klaus was right in more ways than Five was willing to let him credit for. He was addicted to stopping the apocalypse, to alcohol, to whatever could help him not think about the mess his life was and many other things such as coffee and terrible sleeping schedules to work on equations he didn't need any more. And if Klaus and the AA taught him anything it was that he would always be one.

Still, he liked to think his new obsession was a bit better though, less self-harming, and life-ruining and yet far more _pleasing_. His new obsession was to watch the blush from Vanya's cheek fall all the way down to her chest as his fingers stroked her just right. He was addicted to the way she chanted his name when he got her so close the small items around the room shook her control over her powers slipping away.

'Maybe you're addicted to danger,' she commented as he kneeled next to her and helped her put the books back on the shelves they have fallen from. She put on a robe and her hair was a mess. She looked more beautiful than ever.

'Hardly,' he waved her off almost saying he was addicted to her but keeping it inside _for now_. They still had time for that, and something told him she knew already about their depth and length.

It felt good to be here, he felt happy even. He wouldn't say it happened suddenly because he found out that Vanya had feelings for him too. It definitely helped for the feelings to spread and burst inside his chest, but it started sooner. Maybe about four months into the recovery when he talked about being isolated, or working for the Commission all in codes, maybe since Sam talked to him about Vanya, or Klaus about his struggles the first time he tried to quit. He was sure he felt some sort of peace and joy when he and the others were playing board games arguing and laughing like children about rules like any other _ordinary_ family would. And he was sure he felt bliss and contentment the previous day when he got his chip which was now a permanent belonging in his jacket pocket.

But now, in Vanya's apartment, he could finally admit to himself he really felt it and he really was _at peace_ and _happy_. Since the days he was a child he completely forgot how good it felt.

His fingers found themselves in her messy brown hair, and Vanya glance at him with a soft smile, 'Coffee.'

'In a bit,' he said before he leaned forward to clumsily kiss her again because he couldn't stop smiling feeling warm inside.

* * *

Five left Vanya's apartment little before 6 P.M making sure he would make the next meeting on time. It was the first time he did so in the evening and not the morning while hung-over. Walking through the streets he remembered all the places he stopped to get a drink passing them by with just distant memories that still managed to cause some guilt crept into his heart over it all.

He grew very _familiar_ with the terribly looking basement where others like him held their AA meetings. It was gloomy with almost no windows and a particularly shitty smell, but it was familiar and in an odd way comforting.

He nodded at a few _old-timers_ and sat down next to Sam and some woman with shaky hands and red eyes which told him right away. It was more than clear that she was new.

'Got the girl, ha?' asked Sam and even when he didn't look at him, his eyes fixed to the front Five knew he was smiling.

He allowed himself to smirk knowing Sam must have caught on to how he couldn't seem to _stop_ smiling a maniac the whole time and way over, 'Shut up.'

'Something tells me you won't mind adapting to the _new_ normal now,' commented Sam, and Five really _tried_ to put on an annoyed face not that it worked.

The meeting went on and Five didn't stop feeling pretty good about himself and everything for a very long time after that the demon holding his throat almost _gently_ and his screams barely whispers in the wind.

**Koniec**

**Author's Note:**

> A.N: Yeah, lately, I had been in the mood to go over a lot of 'issues' and 'childhood traumas' and turn them into Fiveya stories so here's another one. Thank you for your support and reading. This was hard to write so I imagine it could be hard to read for some, so I hope it will not cause you more sorrow. I hope everyone is okay, and staying safe. Have a nice day


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